A Considerate Man

This is my humble attempt to share my thoughts about my father-in-law whom we referred to as appa/dada.

I have shared a special bond with appa and an understanding that evolved over time. Our relationship dates back in time when I came into the Iyer family as their first daughter-in-law. Appa used to frequently visit us and was more of a friend to me than a father-in-law. We used to have interesting conversation about all matters that he liked. He would talk and talk and talk and I would be intrigued as to how any person can make such a long conversation without much effort, considering that I myself was a fairly quiet girl.

Initially I used to be quite amazed that his 3 sons would always address him as BOSS and he would call them DORAI . But as I got to know him more - I realized that this was really how he related with all his sons, in a relaxed manner.

When our daughter was born, dada's happiness knew no bounds, and he took joy in being involved in her childhood, as much as he could. I was happy to see how dada became the doting grand dad to his pethi as he fondly referred to my daughter. He never missed a birthday and would take charge of decorating the lounge with balloons and festoons. My little girl would look forward to her share of gems and chocolates and would be very happy to be the centre of attraction. Dingdees and Bublimaas were some of the pet names he would address little Shefali.

Dada would also happily take charge and cover my daughter's school books and text books with brown paper and neatly label it.  We always took this for granted and in 1999 when we moved overseas I suddenly realized as to how dada had lovingly taken charge of such a time consuming and mundane task.

For a person who held a very senior position in one of the multinationals, he also had a much softer side as dada. Appa was a very soft spoken person and looking back I feel that, had he not been a talkative person, ours would have been an empty relationship and I wouldn't have learnt so much about the family and his experiences.

His talks centered around his days as a little boy and his extra large family, how he met his wife, how he raised his sons, his first trip to the UK, his friends, politics, his friends, and not but not the least his career progress and his office. He used to quote funny anecdotes and I used to marvel at how he could remember such minute details. His penchant for books is known to all his family and friends.

It was an endless chat from an otherwise quiet person (as amma would often remind all of us) who became a talkative man with time and life's experiences. It was funny as to how at times, amma would intervene when his talks used to get repetitive. He used to talk not just to us, but with everybody that he felt close to. I am sure my family members that are reading this note are nodding their heads in agreement.

He pursued 2 years of law post retirement so as to be in touch with the outside world. It was his sweet way of coping up with time and he adjusted beautifully to the change of office routine. He also engaged himself with a vouluntary organisation and that became an interesting topic of conversation.

When we moved overseas they shifted base so as to be in the midst of all our relatives, our communication grew stronger with letter writing. He refused to be part of the techie world and loved his typewriter. It was one of his priced possessions. He never failed to send a birthday card to his grandkids nor did he forget his our wedding anniversaries. A card would arrive promptly on such occasions and his blessings came from his heart.

I cannot help add that for a person who was so easy on a face to face conversation, his phone protocl was also just perfect.  It wouldn't last for more than 3 minutes and always ended with my good wishes to you all.

I noticed that as his grandkids grew he became more content and happy in life. He once told me that he had no complains with life and was in the evening of his life, when we called to wish him on his 80th birthday. Since the past two years, he would tell us that he was in the declining years of life.

In retrospect,  I feel happy and blessed that we made an effort to spend as much time as we could each year, in spite of the distance and our busy lives, and ensured our little girl had the same level of love and warmth, as she grew up into a lovely teen and a young adult.

Although we all wish that he had lived longer and continued to humour us with his stories, I must also admit that I have no regrets that we hadn't spent enough time with him. Dada has three sons and each of them have 1 girl. It was his wish that all his boys with wives and grand kids should unite and this was something we could never work out, due to differing priorities.

However as providence would have it, this long time wish of dada was also fulfilled as the entire family got together at the wedding of his other granddaughter and he bid farewell the very next day, leaving us all in a state of shock and disbelief.

As I write this tribute to appa/dada, on his 13th day of parting from us all, I feel that he has been most considerate, even as he departed.

May his soul rest in peace.

Hari Om